Alex «Havok» Summers (
tolaywaste) wrote2013-05-11 12:54 am
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
10. » private/video
for ben
[His posture says it all: concerned, tense, but not afraid for his own safety. Not afraid at all. He's leaning towards the camera, though, like he can express worry just by being closer.]
Hey, Ben? I'm worried about you. Can you check in with me?
filter: bruce + rorschach + barbara
I'd like to help with Ben. I'm not as good at this as you all are, but point me where you need me and I'm there.
just bruce
Which means you're helping. He's my friend.
for oliver
I need your help with something, if you're willing to give it.
for charles
Check in. Did you hear about Ben?
[His posture says it all: concerned, tense, but not afraid for his own safety. Not afraid at all. He's leaning towards the camera, though, like he can express worry just by being closer.]
Hey, Ben? I'm worried about you. Can you check in with me?
filter: bruce + rorschach + barbara
I'd like to help with Ben. I'm not as good at this as you all are, but point me where you need me and I'm there.
just bruce
Which means you're helping. He's my friend.
for oliver
I need your help with something, if you're willing to give it.
for charles
Check in. Did you hear about Ben?
[ Private : Video ]
I don't need to know anything. Just if you're okay. I already know you didn't do this.
There's a need to be worried, man, somebody's trying to hurt you. Do you get that?
[ Private : Audio on Ben's end until FURTHER NOTICE ]
[But his voice changes subtly at the assertion of his innocence; along with the strangeness of being framed has come the assumption that it will, ultimately, be successful. And yet...
But as he continues, Ben's voice remains almost casual and definitively calm. The answer to this is simple.]
That has been true for most of my life. Either they will succeed or they will fail, and I have done all that I can in either case.
[ Private : Video on Alex's, ditto ]
[He runs his hand over his face when Ben says that, because he's right. He's right: he has always been hurt, he has always been hunted, and maybe he thinks he always will be.]
[But Alex doesn't want Ben to see him upset. Ben needs hope.]
[When he speaks again, his voice is forceful, insistent, but not raised. He's just stating facts.]
It's been true, yeah. But here and now, it shouldn't be. Maybe you've done all you can, but I haven't, and I'm going to starting right now.
Nobody gets to hurt you while I'm around, do you hear me?
[ Private ]
Ben's expression darkens, a sharp stab of the familiar fear making his voice waver - he could be decommissioned for this, he could be sent away, he could be punished in any number of ways and he has a hard time believing that Rhade would be able to stop it if it came to that, no matter how hard Ben tries to be loyal even in his thoughts - despite the fact he's still only audible.]
Alex, don't. You... it's... [Deep breath. Don't falter.] If someone is targeting me, it is better that it is only me. If they are not, there's no reason to convince them that you are enough of a threat to be neutralized by any means whatsoever.
[ Private ]
[His voice is quieter now, no less firm.]
That's not how it works. You're my friend. You're important to me. So what I do when you're in danger, it's the same as what I'd do if Anya was, or Bruce or Charles or Erik or anyone. I take care of you. That's what you'd do for me, and don't try to act like it isn't.
I can promise you I won't do anything stupid. I won't run out into the middle of the deck and start punching anybody who says you did it. I won't play it stupid, because I remember, you told me not to do that anymore. I heard you.
But I'm not leaving you alone, either. And I'm not going to stop - nobody is going to stop - until we figure out who did this and why, and make it right.
[ Private ]
Friends. He's still finding out what that means in practical application rather than only definition, and right now it's alarming him despite Alex's reassurances.]
Will it change anything?
[ Private ]
[There's a note of annoyance in his tone here. People don't look at Ben and see Ben, he thinks; they look at Ben and see an X5.]
Maybe it'll show you that there are really people who look out for you, I don't know. But most of all, it'll keep you safe. That's my top priority right now.
[ Private ]
He'd have to have expectations to be angry on his own behalf; he doesn't. And he doesn't have the words to explain to Alex why this is all so unnerving for him, why - especially knowing that Zack is within reach, that he's here - hearing that he'll be kept safe makes him more anxious.
He doesn't reply to anything Alex has just said, but some of the stiffness is rubbing out of his voice, beginning to crack and show the boy underneath, when he does speak.] My warden has assigned himself and two others - Captain Dylan Hunt and Emil Blonsky - to a rotating schedule for guard duty, with myself as the subject. Gaheris is with me now.
If this is acceptable, I'd... like to speak with you. Not over the network.
[ Private ]
[Underneath this, the subtext: But you don't have to. Not if you don't want.]
[He hears Ben peeking out from underneath the shell of X5, and it makes him relax visibly - not much, but some. His smile's faint, but it's there.]
I'd really like to talk to you, yeah. Where and when?
[ Private ]
[Because what else is there to do after a long day of learning to be normal but stalk the network and keep tabs on as many people as Ben can cram into his head? That's right, not a lot.
All the attention, though, it makes Ben's skin crawl. He neither agrees outright nor refuses, though he hesitates before continuing.]
I am attempting to stay in my cabin as much as possible, for several reasons. You may come any time.
[. . .] I have chairs, now. Sir.
[ Private ]
[But he is angry. He thinks - doesn't know, but thinks - that Ben is scared, and he doesn't want Ben to have to be scared anymore.]
[He doesn't correct the 'sir,' not this time. If it helps right now, fine. He'll let it slide.]
I'll be over in a couple of minutes.
[ Spam ]
For now he's packed it all - books, CDs, radio, sketchpad, art supplies, chess set - into a compact, deliberate pile in the corner near the closet, out of the way. He's there to meet Alex at the door, leaves it to his friend to close behind him as Ben himself moves back into the room.
His body language matches his voice: militantly rigid, deliberate and efficient, and somehow... the heaviness is not uncharacteristic. It's simply not been a part of his personality for the past several months and thus had no place in his muscles and bones.]
Thank you for coming.
[ Spam ]
[The room is good. He's happy about it. It's also blank - but there are chairs, and he smiles slightly seeing those.]
Sure, Ben. I'm here.
[He sits, assuming it's okay, and looks up at Ben questioningly.]
Did you want to talk about something specific? Or did you just - want to talk?
[Alex has questions, things to share, but if Ben does, too, then he goes first.]
[ Spam ]
Safe, yes, as safe as he's ever been, but not exactly sound; he can feel the hairline fractures at the edges of his thoughts and that as much as anything terrifies him, because he knows what comes next if they get too wide, too deep. He's paced this room several times, evident in the thoughtless way he avoids the bed, the nightstand, and the other chair without having to look.
He's glancing back at Alex, brown eyes still bright but more distant than he's been recently. Ben doesn't know what to do with any of this. At all.]
You understand how dangerous this situation could become if it were to be properly ignited.
[ Spam ]
[He nods. He does. It could get dangerous. He knows that. But Ben is part of his people, so his jaw's set and he's not backing down.]
[He can still try to be kind about it, though.]
You understand that I remember what you told me about being careful? That I took that seriously, that I know what you meant? That I won't put myself in harm's way unless it's absolutely necessary.
[ Spam ]
He's been a liability for years.
Here and now, though, he barely has the words. Taking a deeper breath, Ben lets it out slowly and makes another pass by the bed, eyes front and center. He's calm, but it only runs surface deep.]
I don't see how this is necessary. Either the other passengers will believe I did nothing and there is no need for punishment, or they won't and they will exact it. Either way it will not change my presence here, and the likelihood of a single assailant being able to best me is... slim.
[ Spam ]
[He holds up a hand before Ben can say anything.]
I know that's not what you're used to. You don't think justice applies to you. But you shouldn't have to fight, even if you're guaranteed to win. You shouldn't have to be looking over your shoulder all the time.
Should doesn't change much, okay? But you don't need a mob coming after you, and that's what I'm afraid of.
[There's a flicker of personal fear, of memory, in his eyes now. There are things he's been through that he won't allow to be repeated in front of him.]
And I'm sick of people not seeing you. The real you. You're more than what you've done in the past.
[ Spam ]
But he listens, silent, and his body language doesn't change except for a very slight increase in agitation. Especially at the last line.]
That's... what bothers me. More than your mob. [He's afraid of them, too, but it's also a part of his life; if it were the only factor it would have his undivided attention as the most likely threat.
But it's what would cause that selfsame mob, now, that concerns him. He finally stops, looks over.]
I... don't know what to do.
[ Spam ]
[He clasps his hands together, leans forward, keeps his eyes on Ben.]
Is there anything that feels right? Even if it doesn't seem logical?
[He's aware the answer might be no, or it might be something horrible. He wants to know anyway.]
[ Spam ]
[His answer isn't quite immediate, but it's sound when he does give it, speaking quietly out of a moment of absolute stillness. His eyes tick up from the floor where they'd fallen and, slowly, around the answer and the slow exhale, the wall Manticore built for him is subtly dissolving.
Which, at this exact moment, lets more of Ben's uncertainty and discomfort show, the slight widening of his eyes, the fact that when he starts pacing again it's with a distinctly nervous kind of energy rather than bland restlessness. By the time he turns and comes back, he's worrying his lower lip with his teeth, an unprecedented tick for his interactions with Alex.
He doesn't have the words for how this feels, but Alex will translate it for him. Alex will understand.]
It's not safe out here. People can see. People will see. It's never good.
[ Spam ]
[Turning these words over in his mind, the words and the movements, he tries to parse. It's never good. Bad things have happened; Ben is afraid of them happening again. People can see - and people seeing him is dangerous.]
[He's afraid, Alex thinks, and the more people are around the more afraid he'll be. Too much is happening, too much that Ben can't understand. He's overwhelmed.]
Where's safe, Ben? Even if it's not here on the Barge, where's safe? Where do you want to hide?
[His voice is uncharacteristically soft, gentle. It always is with Ben - most people would be surprised at the way he acts around him - but now he's being extra calm for both of them. It would be so easy to get frustrated right now, but no. Anger and frustration won't get either of them anywhere, and there are other kinds of strength.]
[ Spam ]
He will kill someone. He knows this, and then everything will be justified, and then he will be decommissioned or worse; this is how it happens, this is the part Zack never understood. How staying around people, how not retreating, can only end in one way.
But he can't retreat here. He has to find a different way, or he'll disappoint everyone, and he will be even less safe than he is now. So, too, may they be.]
I used to leave the cities. There were numerous abandoned buildings and settlements to be found, and I am trained in basic survival.
It would just... so many people. None of them like me, all of them afraid if they found out. They always did.
But there's nowhere to go, here. [So he's retreated behind the one thing he's been taught is safe his entire life, that he carries with him, so coded into his logic that he hasn't even noticed that it's the same thing that keeps him ostracized: Manticore's training.[
[ Spam ]
[There's a glimmer of understanding now. Alex sees. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but thinks he will. Ben recognizes the signs and if they find out - ]
[Alex thinks he understands now, hopes he does. He doesn't want to set a foot wrong, though Ben is usually astonishingly patient with him. Kinder than he has need to be, since he's stuck in a place that barely understands him at the best of times.]
[His words come slowly, but, God, he's trying.]
Is it . . . being alone? Or the quiet? Would it help if your brother was here?
I want to try to figure out a way to make somewhere safe for you. I just need to know what parts make it safe.
[ Spam ]
Then he realizes that it's not necessarily that Alex knows about Zack; he could just mean here on the Barge, not here in the room. Something twists in his chest regardless when, instead of answering, instead of opening his mouth and telling Alex that Zack is here and it hasn't helped, he doesn't know why, he looks down.]
I don't know. [It's a placeholder, but then Ben looks up again, eyes ticking up without raising his head. More emphatically, he repeats himself, finding it true.] I don't know.
No one listens, no one... [His exhale is shaky, marred with the childhood terror he can't look at without being consumed by it; he's said this before, but it passes under the radar, like so much else that he says. He's never tried to force anyone to look at it. They knew or they never would - he's known for a long time.
It's only a matter of time.] We don't belong out in the world with other people. The rest of them still found a way.
I didn't. I can't. I'm... [Flawed. Broken. Different somehow.] Being alone in the quiet. Until it's too quiet and too alone.
[ Spam ]
[He knows that's not good enough. He knows. And it wrenches at him, makes him want to just run away from all of this and go hide in the CTS until port, bury himself in training other people until he can't think anymore, until he's too tired to sleep.]
[But Ben said when you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. So he's trying.]
[He feels like he needs to break down every part of himself and put it back together better to fix this for Ben. Every part of himself and every part of everyone else. People should listen to him. He deserves it as much as anybody else does - more, because he hasn't had it in so long, he hasn't had it ever.]
[It's not fair. Alex feels more like a child every time he thinks this, which he thinks more and more often recently: it's not fair, and he wants to rail against something he's never seen or known, wants to pound his fists against some invisible monster and just scream it's not fair, how could you do this to him?]
[He takes a deep, shuddering breath.]
You're not broken, Ben.
[Jesus, he'd pull this ship over in a second and let Ben be free for just a few minutes if he possibly could. He'd do it in a heartbeat.]
If I could find a way to - to keep things quiet, for a little while - would that help? I don't know -
[And it's like he's coming apart at the seams now, pushing the heel of his hand to his temple - he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do. He's failing.]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]
[ Spam ]