tolaywaste | 10. » private/video

[It's easier to think right now when Alex's voice lowers, although that doesn't help Ben with the context of the words he's saying. Friends, yes, Ben understands that as best he can - but Alex is talking about family now, and there's a disconnect there that is solely Manticore's responsibility.

Friends. He's still finding out what that means in practical application rather than only definition, and right now it's alarming him despite Alex's reassurances.]

Will it change anything?

I think it will. It'll prove that you're doing better - which I know you are, but for some reason other people don't seem to see quite as easily.

[There's a note of annoyance in his tone here. People don't look at Ben and see Ben, he thinks; they look at Ben and see an X5.]

Maybe it'll show you that there are really people who look out for you, I don't know. But most of all, it'll keep you safe. That's my top priority right now.

[Ben is used to that; he doesn't, exactly, blame them for assuming he's done this. It's what he was made for, he knows that he would if it became the practical solution to a given problem, but there's no reason for this attack. Kozak hasn't done anything at all to anyone as far as Ben can tell, and he's Rhade's friend.

He'd have to have expectations to be angry on his own behalf; he doesn't. And he doesn't have the words to explain to Alex why this is all so unnerving for him, why - especially knowing that Zack is within reach, that he's here - hearing that he'll be kept safe makes him more anxious.

He doesn't reply to anything Alex has just said, but some of the stiffness is rubbing out of his voice, beginning to crack and show the boy underneath, when he does speak.] My warden has assigned himself and two others - Captain Dylan Hunt and Emil Blonsky - to a rotating schedule for guard duty, with myself as the subject. Gaheris is with me now.

If this is acceptable, I'd... like to speak with you. Not over the network.

I know. I've been talking to Rhade about being part of that, if it's okay with you. And my inmate, too. I don't think you know him, his name's Oliver. I trust him.

[Underneath this, the subtext: But you don't have to. Not if you don't want.]

[He hears Ben peeking out from underneath the shell of X5, and it makes him relax visibly - not much, but some. His smile's faint, but it's there.]

I'd really like to talk to you, yeah. Where and when?

I know of him.

[Because what else is there to do after a long day of learning to be normal but stalk the network and keep tabs on as many people as Ben can cram into his head? That's right, not a lot.

All the attention, though, it makes Ben's skin crawl. He neither agrees outright nor refuses, though he hesitates before continuing.]

I am attempting to stay in my cabin as much as possible, for several reasons. You may come any time.

[. . .] I have chairs, now. Sir.

[There's a flash of anger, but Alex keeps it concealed. Bruce had made it clear: Ben doesn't need his anger right now. He won't benefit from it. No matter how upset he is, his priority needs to be Ben's well-being.]

[But he is angry. He thinks - doesn't know, but thinks - that Ben is scared, and he doesn't want Ben to have to be scared anymore.]

[He doesn't correct the 'sir,' not this time. If it helps right now, fine. He'll let it slide.]

I'll be over in a couple of minutes.

[Ben doesn't bother replying, filling his time instead by giving Rhade a warning that Alex is coming, that it's okay with him. His new room does indeed have two chairs and it also usually has whatever assortment of his belongings he's dabbling with for the day stacked in neat, ever-moving piles easily within range throughout the room. Even in his old barracks-style cabin this had been true.

For now he's packed it all - books, CDs, radio, sketchpad, art supplies, chess set - into a compact, deliberate pile in the corner near the closet, out of the way. He's there to meet Alex at the door, leaves it to his friend to close behind him as Ben himself moves back into the room.

His body language matches his voice: militantly rigid, deliberate and efficient, and somehow... the heaviness is not uncharacteristic. It's simply not been a part of his personality for the past several months and thus had no place in his muscles and bones.]

Thank you for coming.

[Seeing Ben - safe, if not sound - allows some of the tension in Alex's shoulders to leach away. He's not calm, but he's calmer. He closes the door behind himself quietly, letting the latch click.]

[The room is good. He's happy about it. It's also blank - but there are chairs, and he smiles slightly seeing those.]

Sure, Ben. I'm here.

[He sits, assuming it's okay, and looks up at Ben questioningly.]

Did you want to talk about something specific? Or did you just - want to talk?

[Alex has questions, things to share, but if Ben does, too, then he goes first.]

[Ben still isn't very consistent on hospitality - when he remembers it, he's still awkward and stiff, but he's aware of it anyway, sometimes. He doesn't invite Alex to sit down but it's okay anyway despite the fact that Ben himself doesn't settle just yet.

Safe, yes, as safe as he's ever been, but not exactly sound; he can feel the hairline fractures at the edges of his thoughts and that as much as anything terrifies him, because he knows what comes next if they get too wide, too deep. He's paced this room several times, evident in the thoughtless way he avoids the bed, the nightstand, and the other chair without having to look.

He's glancing back at Alex, brown eyes still bright but more distant than he's been recently. Ben doesn't know what to do with any of this. At all.]

You understand how dangerous this situation could become if it were to be properly ignited.

I understand.

[He nods. He does. It could get dangerous. He knows that. But Ben is part of his people, so his jaw's set and he's not backing down.]

[He can still try to be kind about it, though.]

You understand that I remember what you told me about being careful? That I took that seriously, that I know what you meant? That I won't put myself in harm's way unless it's absolutely necessary.

...No. But I will try. [It's the honest answer, a blunt admission rather than any kind of rebuttal; he didn't expect to be heeded. He never does. It's been a long time since anyone listened to him, took his advice and his opinion seriously.

He's been a liability for years.

Here and now, though, he barely has the words. Taking a deeper breath, Ben lets it out slowly and makes another pass by the bed, eyes front and center. He's calm, but it only runs surface deep.]

I don't see how this is necessary. Either the other passengers will believe I did nothing and there is no need for punishment, or they won't and they will exact it. Either way it will not change my presence here, and the likelihood of a single assailant being able to best me is... slim.

You shouldn't be punished for something you didn't do.

[He holds up a hand before Ben can say anything.]

I know that's not what you're used to. You don't think justice applies to you. But you shouldn't have to fight, even if you're guaranteed to win. You shouldn't have to be looking over your shoulder all the time.

Should doesn't change much, okay? But you don't need a mob coming after you, and that's what I'm afraid of.

[There's a flicker of personal fear, of memory, in his eyes now. There are things he's been through that he won't allow to be repeated in front of him.]

And I'm sick of people not seeing you. The real you. You're more than what you've done in the past.

[Ben, vigilant and intelligent and learning how to read Alex, specifically, doesn't miss the flinch. He knows instantly what it is even though he'd known weeks ago - Alex is in the same us with Ben, with his family. He is his world's version of Us.

But he listens, silent, and his body language doesn't change except for a very slight increase in agitation. Especially at the last line.]

That's... what bothers me. More than your mob. [He's afraid of them, too, but it's also a part of his life; if it were the only factor it would have his undivided attention as the most likely threat.

But it's what would cause that selfsame mob, now, that concerns him. He finally stops, looks over.]

I... don't know what to do.

[What bothers him . . . Alex nods slightly. Ben is lost. Like he said to Zack: Ben's not broken. He's in pain and he needs help, though. Alex wants to help him in any way he can.]

[He clasps his hands together, leans forward, keeps his eyes on Ben.]

Is there anything that feels right? Even if it doesn't seem logical?

[He's aware the answer might be no, or it might be something horrible. He wants to know anyway.]

Hide.

[His answer isn't quite immediate, but it's sound when he does give it, speaking quietly out of a moment of absolute stillness. His eyes tick up from the floor where they'd fallen and, slowly, around the answer and the slow exhale, the wall Manticore built for him is subtly dissolving.

Which, at this exact moment, lets more of Ben's uncertainty and discomfort show, the slight widening of his eyes, the fact that when he starts pacing again it's with a distinctly nervous kind of energy rather than bland restlessness. By the time he turns and comes back, he's worrying his lower lip with his teeth, an unprecedented tick for his interactions with Alex.

He doesn't have the words for how this feels, but Alex will translate it for him. Alex will understand.]

It's not safe out here. People can see. People will see. It's never good.

[He frowns, not with anger but trying to figure this out. Ben's scared, and if Alex is going to help him he needs to understand what he's thinking as well as he possibly can.]

[Turning these words over in his mind, the words and the movements, he tries to parse. It's never good. Bad things have happened; Ben is afraid of them happening again. People can see - and people seeing him is dangerous.]

[He's afraid, Alex thinks, and the more people are around the more afraid he'll be. Too much is happening, too much that Ben can't understand. He's overwhelmed.]

Where's safe, Ben? Even if it's not here on the Barge, where's safe? Where do you want to hide?

[His voice is uncharacteristically soft, gentle. It always is with Ben - most people would be surprised at the way he acts around him - but now he's being extra calm for both of them. It would be so easy to get frustrated right now, but no. Anger and frustration won't get either of them anywhere, and there are other kinds of strength.]

[It's not that Ben hasn't recognized what this is; he's too intimately familiar with the slow motion fray, the sudden threshold and the abrupt snap that happens once he's hit it. He knows what happens next and maybe he didn't kill Robert Kozak, maybe enough people believe him that he might slide sideways out of it, but he remembers Doyle's visions and he knows what has happened in the past.

He will kill someone. He knows this, and then everything will be justified, and then he will be decommissioned or worse; this is how it happens, this is the part Zack never understood. How staying around people, how not retreating, can only end in one way.

But he can't retreat here. He has to find a different way, or he'll disappoint everyone, and he will be even less safe than he is now. So, too, may they be.]

I used to leave the cities. There were numerous abandoned buildings and settlements to be found, and I am trained in basic survival.

It would just... so many people. None of them like me, all of them afraid if they found out. They always did.

But there's nowhere to go, here. [So he's retreated behind the one thing he's been taught is safe his entire life, that he carries with him, so coded into his logic that he hasn't even noticed that it's the same thing that keeps him ostracized: Manticore's training.[

[Oh.]

[There's a glimmer of understanding now. Alex sees. He doesn't want to hurt anyone, but thinks he will. Ben recognizes the signs and if they find out - ]

[Alex thinks he understands now, hopes he does. He doesn't want to set a foot wrong, though Ben is usually astonishingly patient with him. Kinder than he has need to be, since he's stuck in a place that barely understands him at the best of times.]

[His words come slowly, but, God, he's trying.]

Is it . . . being alone? Or the quiet? Would it help if your brother was here?

I want to try to figure out a way to make somewhere safe for you. I just need to know what parts make it safe.

[There's a moment when Ben goes very still - Alex knows about Zack? Zack was never the one to blow their cover, it was always Ben, Ben standing out like a hawk among pigeons, Ben making people nervous because he didn't know how not to, how to be harmless. Ben was always a wolf in wolf's clothing; the rest found their wool.

Then he realizes that it's not necessarily that Alex knows about Zack; he could just mean here on the Barge, not here in the room. Something twists in his chest regardless when, instead of answering, instead of opening his mouth and telling Alex that Zack is here and it hasn't helped, he doesn't know why, he looks down.]

I don't know. [It's a placeholder, but then Ben looks up again, eyes ticking up without raising his head. More emphatically, he repeats himself, finding it true.] I don't know.

No one listens, no one... [His exhale is shaky, marred with the childhood terror he can't look at without being consumed by it; he's said this before, but it passes under the radar, like so much else that he says. He's never tried to force anyone to look at it. They knew or they never would - he's known for a long time.

It's only a matter of time.] We don't belong out in the world with other people. The rest of them still found a way.

I didn't. I can't. I'm... [Flawed. Broken. Different somehow.] Being alone in the quiet. Until it's too quiet and too alone.

I'm listening. I'm trying to.

[He knows that's not good enough. He knows. And it wrenches at him, makes him want to just run away from all of this and go hide in the CTS until port, bury himself in training other people until he can't think anymore, until he's too tired to sleep.]

[But Ben said when you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. So he's trying.]

[He feels like he needs to break down every part of himself and put it back together better to fix this for Ben. Every part of himself and every part of everyone else. People should listen to him. He deserves it as much as anybody else does - more, because he hasn't had it in so long, he hasn't had it ever.]

[It's not fair. Alex feels more like a child every time he thinks this, which he thinks more and more often recently: it's not fair, and he wants to rail against something he's never seen or known, wants to pound his fists against some invisible monster and just scream it's not fair, how could you do this to him?]

[He takes a deep, shuddering breath.]

You're not broken, Ben.

[Jesus, he'd pull this ship over in a second and let Ben be free for just a few minutes if he possibly could. He'd do it in a heartbeat.]

If I could find a way to - to keep things quiet, for a little while - would that help? I don't know -

[And it's like he's coming apart at the seams now, pushing the heel of his hand to his temple - he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do. He's failing.]

[Sometimes, when he feels himself flaking apart, he puts up physical barriers again; he writes words that remind himself how to act, how to think, to stay safe and he holds himself together the best that he can.

It's a shock when he hears the same thing in between the lines Alex is saying, reads it in the lines of his body and the push of his hand, shoving him abruptly past his own fear building in his chest to a moment of calm, cool clarity. In that moment he doesn't understand why he's surprised. There's a reason Alex can see him.]

Alex. [Drawing from that place, the same as where the stories come from, Ben's voice is low but steady, firmly insistent for the attention of his friend. He breaks from his stillness on silent feet, drawn closer until he seats himself carefully on the edge of the chair angled to face the one Alex has claimed. He waits, gaze intent, until blue meets brown; he can't help what Alex will see when he looks. But Ben can see, too, and maybe neither of them knows, maybe they're both overwhelmed, and maybe that's okay. It's not, but maybe it is.

No one has ever listened this closely before. It's strange to see what it looks like when someone hears.]

You are my friend. You help.

One hundred percent.

[There's something about Ben's voice in this moment that stills him, something about his proximity that's calming. Alex doesn't know why, and maybe most everyone else on the Barge would say he's crazy for feeling that way.]

[He's not.]

[He looks up at Ben and lets his hand fall. He was right, he thinks, doing his best to swallow his fear and uncertainty and self-doubt. He was right all along. Ben's kind. But he's also strong.]

[Alex is strong as much as he can be. He protects the people he loves, and he protects everyone else, too, if he can. Lua said he's a good person, but he needs to be strong, because he's spent so much time just being afraid.]

[With Ben, he can allow himself not to be, just for a minute or two.]

[He laughs, shaky, but his voice breaks a little bit.]

One hundred percent.

[Ben's eyes, he doesn't look stable. But then Alex doesn't think he does, either. Maybe it's enough, to help, but not to fix. To be there, but not to be everything. Maybe.]

Is that enough?

[Ben is silent for several long moments, holding himself still and contained except for the movement of his eyes, searching Alex's face; whether he finds what he's looking for or not remains hidden behind his own, leaning forward slightly on his elbows braced on his knees, fingers clasped between them.

They're close enough Ben could unfold them and touch Alex's arm, but he doesn't. He looks, he considers, and he counts down the beat of his own heart while he does so. Alex knows what Ben needs to know but Ben is the one with the words, and they need to be perfect. He can see that.

Letting out a slow breath, Ben straightens up where he's sitting, starts to shift back so he can pull his legs up under him.

In the same low, steady voice, he says,] There was a boy. He is a strong boy, perhaps the strongest of his family, and though he is not the oldest he is the one the others trust to keep them safe.

[For a minute Alex doesn't know what's happening. It's like the world's thrown off-kilter, and everything's calm too quickly.]

[And then he recognizes the tone and the words - and he relaxes.]

[He watches Ben like a child watching another child, not wary and not afraid anymore but tired from being both. There's a brief nod and the flicker of a smile.]

[This is talking. Just a different kind. He wants to hear the story.]

[Ben waits, not exactly a pause but a prolonged breath, waiting for the cues he recognizes without having to look for them. He knows when he has his audience's attention, and he doesn't smile, nerves still too close to the surface for it, but something in his expression relaxes.

The stories are for other people, but they relax him as well. Ben is not what most people would consider soft, but there's an element of it in his voice, a warmer tone, when he says:] And they love him. [There and gone again, such an easy admission where it normally would never occur to him; his voice is back to normal when he continues.]

He makes it his duty to learn about the world in any way he can and use his knowledge to keep his family safe from the dangers out in it. But he is only one person and there are so many dangers, and so many he has yet to learn about, that his duty slowly ate away at him until it is all he was.

And because he is only one person and still cannot prevent all the dangers, he became angrier, and angrier, and that ate away at him too.

And because they loved him, his family tried to tell him to stop, but he would not. Perhaps, in the end, could not.

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