tolaywaste | 32. » spam & voice, backdated to yesterday

[. . . before the ominous Admiral message.]

So I'm leaving.

[He's leaving for good, and this is voice, not video, for a reason. It's not that he doesn't want to look people in the eye, it's just that he doesn't want them to see how guilty he feels, even now, to be leaving this place behind.]

[Not as bad as he expected, though. Not as bad as it would have been a few months ago. Charles was right: there is a time and a place to take your life back for your own.]

I don't really have anything much to say besides - goodbye, and thanks. To everyone, even the people I never really knew, for making this place livable. Making it home for a while. It'd be hell here without you.

Don't screw each other up too bad.

spam } ben

[But before any of that, he goes to see Ben.]

[This will be the worst of it. This will be the hardest. This is the one he has no choice but to do in person, because if he's going to turn back, this is where he's going to do it.]

[He knocks on Ben's door with his heart in his throat, beating like a jackhammer, and wonders if Ben can hear it. If he'll be concerned before Alex says what he has to say - if he'll think there's something wrong.]

[Alex can't control that one way or another. He can't make this nice. He can pretty much just be honest.]

( ooc; if anyone would like to spam off this post, alex will be in his cabin [6-02] and/or pretty much wherever you want for goodbyes ♥ )

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Ben understands, as soon as the sounds register into the words they are. He knows better than most what happens when people are isolated, left to their own devices, friendless and supportless; he knows that he is who he is today because he knew Rhade, Aya, Anya, Alex. He knows that without them he would just be dead, or worse. He knows because he's already been there.

So when Alex cuts off and abruptly Ben feels hot breath against his neck, he closes his eyes and he doesn't pull away. His free hand comes up to touch Alex's hair, a silent reassurance that it's alright, and then he's gripping right back. He's gripping back as though whatever either of them believes this will be the last time they get the opportunity, and like he can be steady this one time, this one time.

The reality is that this is familiar. It wasn't allowed the last time he was in a position to be this person for people that needed him, but it still feels familiar. Ben doesn't say anything and he doesn't try to pull away, doesn't move except the occasional twitch of his fingertips.

Low, low, low:] You will see Charles and Erik again. You will see Snow, you will see Darwin, Sean, Hank, Raven. [Ben knows them all, knows their faces and their names and how they are through Alex's eyes. He places them down now like cards, suit and number and rank, lines them up like defense.] You will have your own life. Whatever you like.

I am glad for that.

[Whatever you like.]

[Not so long ago, Alex couldn't have imagined a life lived as he wanted it. He thought he was destined, that he deserved to be locked up for the rest of his life, that his existence would be four walls and a high window and sometimes the presence of a guard who was afraid of him. Isolation, insecurity, fear. Self-protection by protecting other people.]

[Now he can have his own life, whatever he likes, and though he knew it was coming, though he has felt his debt paid for months now, it still comes over him like a wave. His body shakes, not with a sob but with emotion nevertheless, something great and wide and powerful and unnameable. Love, maybe. Readiness. Sorrow, but no fear.]

[He pulls back and leans his forehead against Ben's, so he can breathe his friend's breath, see the darkest and lightest parts of his eyes well enough to remember them for as long as it takes until they reunite.]

I'll see you again.

[When Ben is ready to take his own life. Whatever he likes.]

This isn't goodbye. Not forever goodbye. You believe me, don't you?

[Ben feels part of his heart go with Alex when he leans away; he looks back from a distance of only a few inches, difficult to focus at this range for him, but he doesn't need to. Whatever his mind keeps, it keeps all of: he has had Alex memorized for years.

He is able to look steadily back, and - what he says is not a lie. He believes Alex, utterly.] Of course.

It won't be. [He believes that Alex believes it, that he must. It's Ben's own life he doesn't trust. It's his own history, his own obstacles, his own decisions. If he can, he will see Alex again, he will go there, he will meet the people he's heard so much about.

If he can.] It can't be. [He smiles, then, because there is nothing else left to do.

Nothing except offer something back that he didn't learn from Alex, but he may as well have.] You won't be rid of me that easily.

[He can.]

[Or at least here is the difference between the two of them - Ben believes in Alex, while Alex believes in Ben utterly. He believes that there will come a day when this won't be enough, when Ben not only can leave but will want to, that the fact that there's somewhere else available to him in the wide universe will be not a burden but a reassurance. He believes that someday he can be safe harbor in a place that feels safe to him, too. He believes that Ben is as much and as capable as anyone else.]

[If this belief proves to be false, he won't be upset, and he won't be disappointed. But he won't believe it until he sees it.]

[His face lights up at the smile, at the quip that's so much more from Ben, a declaration of independence and determination. He will never not hate the moment of goodbye, but it ends, it has to, he can feel it ending now and Ben isn't crying or running, he's smiling.]

[He is the best friend Alex has ever had.]

I'm never gonna be rid of you.

[All soft affection and open-hearted love. He wouldn't want it any other way.]

32. » spam & voice, backdated to yesterday

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