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[tolaywaste]

[Alex is praying. He's in the chapel with his head bowed, like he's been since just after lunch, and he thinks he's gonna stay until dinner. It probably won't help in the grand scheme of things, but it's quiet here, and that's what he wants. Space to think. Or feel, maybe.]

[He woke up to a flood that drew the very worst memories of his life out of him, laid them on display for anyone at all to see, and now that the smoke is clearing he finds himself in mourning again. It's unexpected how much he misses Pietro, like a sharp pain between his ribs. He wasn't a brother, wasn't important in the same way that Ben or Sean or Armando are, but he was - is - important. He understood things implicitly, things about family that Alex doesn't like to explain.]

[So Alex isn't sure what he's praying for, exactly, other than Pietro's safety. Maybe his, maybe Anya's, maybe nothing in particular. All he knows for sure is he doesn't want to leave.]

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[warisart]

[If Ben were privy to these thoughts, he wouldn't know what to do with them at all. He had, after all, given up and that is how he ended up here. He'd convinced himself that he was out of control, unsafe, a failure, and he had given up.

Now he sits quietly and considers Alex, who always reminded him of Zack, in a way. They both have the same complicated simplicity, the same thoughtful forcefulness, the same low opinion of themselves and their worth. They both think they are good only as shields, soaking up damage and dealing it back away from those they love, nothing more. They don't try to be more, and it is disheartening.

The awe, though, is offputting for a moment; not in an unpleasant way, merely that Ben has no idea what to do with it, except that it feels nice. He doesn't know why. There's the swift, silent flash of teeth visible just before Ben glances away, hiding the surprised grin in the crook of his elbow until he can get it back under control. It's dangerous, out here in the world, for an expression like that. It's dangerous to tell fanciful stories with his hands on the wall of a church where he enjoys being far too much.]

It isn't difficult. I could teach you.

[tolaywaste]

It's okay.

[In response not to the smile, but to the attempt to hide it. It's okay. Which isn't true and is. It will never feel wholly safe for Ben to express emotion the way Alex might, and that's just a fact. But with him, Alex would like to think, it's safe to smile every little while. Because Alex knows him, what he's done, where he started from, how far he's come, and what he's still capable of.]

[He packs as much of that sentiment as he can into those three syllables and grins in echo of his friend. It's dangerous out here in the world for an expression like that. But there are little shelters along the way. Alex is one of them.]

If you think I could do it - do it and make it feel like that. I'd like to learn.

[He could show Darwin, he thinks. Or Ben could. But there are some things that are too much to hope even in the privacy of your own mind.]

[warisart]

[Ben looks back at the reassurance, and he doesn't grin again, but the corners of his mouth quirk. He knows that, he does, but he's only capable of so much at any given time. So much trust. So much belief. He holds the knowledge as a mile marker, a goal to be obtained, something to work towards, and resigns himself to having to work towards it. There won't be a day where he wakes up and finds himself capable of it. He doesn't, anymore, need there to be.

So it's easy, too, to agree to that. Not now, maybe, not when Ben is still thrumming with the hidden but no less exhilarating thrill of admitting something so private, of sharing something that had once meant so much before it was rendered obsolete. But he will. His fingers clasped around his knees twist into themselves, and he is quiet a few more moments.

Then:] May I stay for a while?

[tolaywaste]

[It isn't - in Alex's mind - obsolete. It is a thing that had one purpose and evolved to have another, not totally disparate, purpose. Here is the thing: Ben is kind. Has always been; will always be, in one form or another. This is a manifestation of his kindness, a presentation of it to the world, a tendril reaching out to warmth.]

[Kindness begets kindness, and kindness thrives from kindness given. Alex has never been one for metaphor, but he thinks briefly of a tropical flower, uprooted and transplanted, requiring nourishment. Particularly fragile, but no less vital for all that.]

[The thought scurries away quickly. He'll forget it soon.]

[For the moment, he watches Ben in his silence and then in his thought, and when words come, he smiles.]

Yeah. I'd like that.

[warisart]

Thank you.

[Ben draws a breath as if to say something else, but when he reaches for the words, he finds to his pleasant surprise that everything has already been said. He exhales slowly, quietly, and sets his chin back down on his knees, content.

It's a strange feeling, one he's only just become accustomed to knowing with any kind of regularity or presence of mind; he used to feel it, when he was closest to the Lady. When Zack came back and things were good between them, as rarely as that happened. It's good, now, to know he can relax into it. That he can stay.

So he says nothing further, and he doesn't move except to breathe, and merely enjoys the company of his best friend and a peaceful, beautiful place in which to do so.]