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[tolaywaste]

[Alex is praying. He's in the chapel with his head bowed, like he's been since just after lunch, and he thinks he's gonna stay until dinner. It probably won't help in the grand scheme of things, but it's quiet here, and that's what he wants. Space to think. Or feel, maybe.]

[He woke up to a flood that drew the very worst memories of his life out of him, laid them on display for anyone at all to see, and now that the smoke is clearing he finds himself in mourning again. It's unexpected how much he misses Pietro, like a sharp pain between his ribs. He wasn't a brother, wasn't important in the same way that Ben or Sean or Armando are, but he was - is - important. He understood things implicitly, things about family that Alex doesn't like to explain.]

[So Alex isn't sure what he's praying for, exactly, other than Pietro's safety. Maybe his, maybe Anya's, maybe nothing in particular. All he knows for sure is he doesn't want to leave.]

Comments

[tolaywaste]

[He half-smiles, confused but not confused. Understanding at a deep undercurrent emotional level what she means.]

Friends and not-enemies aren't the same thing.

[youwillgotohell]

[She returns his smile, thinks of the last time she said because we're friends. She'd needed Guinevere's position inside Camelot, but truthfully - she had wanted a friend, a sister, someone to love unconditionally.

That isn't what's on the table here, and she has no mandrake to make it that way even if she wanted to. She wonders, idly, if she would do it.]

Then perhaps we're friends.

[tolaywaste]

I guess we can wait and see.

[Maybe this comes out threatening, but he doesn't intend it to be. Just awkward and concerned and wanting very much to help her, though he's sure she doesn't want to be helped.]

What do you want out of a friend anyway? 'Cause Ben asked me once what being friends meant. It was harder to answer than I expected.

[youwillgotohell]

[She frowns, a little, then frowns harder at his question. Alex isn't the sort to threaten, but it would be a lie to say she didn't see threats everywhere. But in a friend...

She thinks of Gwen again, and turns to look ahead of her, considering. Considering ignoring the question. But she opens her mouth instead.]

Trust. Faith. Loyalty. [Her mouth curls at the corner, because that doesn't exist, not for her.] I've had friends, Alex. It doesn't last.

[tolaywaste]

I know.

[His voice is quiet. Not pitying in the least. Just acknowledging, in the private space of whatever's transpiring between them, whether it's friendship or just prickly acquaintanceship. He does know; he can see it in her eyes every day.]

I'm pretty good at those things. But, I mean. You don't need to trust me. Once you trust enough people and they hurt you, it's hard to start again.

[youwillgotohell]

You don't trust easily. [She can see that in him, the way he reads her. The difference is, he does trust. He still can. Her brow furrows just a little.]

Why do you? [He opens himself up to it, to being hurt, betrayed, rejected. Morgana wants to think that she has it in her to be a wonderful friend, that she could be protective and kind and loyal - but practically, she doubts it. Knows that she should never open herself up to that again. It always ends.]

[tolaywaste]

Because I was alone for too long.

[It's an easy, instant answer. He couldn't stand it any longer, to be all by himself with no one to have his back, not after he's found people he believes in. Honestly, he'd rather they stab him in the back than be alone. It doesn't make sense, but he was too desperate for love for too long to change his mind now.]

[youwillgotohell]

[She understands that in a way that makes her wrists chafe and itch, and she has to clench her hands in her lap to keep from rubbing at them.]

You can get used to it. [You can't. She never could and she still can't, though she keeps trying.]

[tolaywaste]

No.

[He smiles, and it's about the saddest he's ever looked, though he doesn't realize it. One of those smiles that you wear to hold yourself together for one more day, hour, minute.]

You can lie to yourself until it seems like you're okay with it. But people aren't made to be alone.

[youwillgotohell]

We still wind up that way. [It's her own brand of defeatist: she struggles to find strength in what makes her weak.]

In the end.