[Every moment is another moment when Alex is afraid that Ben will run away again. And Alex wouldn't blame him, not now and not ever, but he would be sad, so sad, consumed by his own sorrow and self-loathing. It feels like all he's ever wanted is to make Ben feel safe, like that is the beginning and the end of his entire life. He can't see anything else to himself in this moment.]
[But there is something else. He has to remember that fact. There is somewhere for him to be, somewhere he belongs. Isn't that what he's always wanted, to belong somewhere, belong to someone, the way he and Ben belong to each other?]
[His throat is thick with tears. He swallows them and watches Ben's hand tentatively, keeping very still as though being approached by a wild animal. Long, strong fingers move in the air as though measuring something vital - and then land on his chest.]
[Alex flushes, his heart stuttering slightly as he remembers the last time - better not to think about it, but he can't not - as he does what he probably shouldn't and lays his hand over Ben's, pulling him closer. He remembers being reassured, over and over again, in that other place, the calming touch and the taste of tears on the back of his tongue. It's too similar, but it's a hundred years different.]
[You are good, Alex. You are so good.]
[It is so good to be trusted. To be loved. To have family like this, even if it hurts when you aren't by their side. No, it doesn't hurt any less, but it feels good at the same time as it hurts.]
[Alex bows his head, no longer quite able to meet Ben's eyes, and swallows.]
Don't forget-- [What? All they've been through? All they've done, how they've grown? The way it feels to be alone and frightened and at someone else's mercy, because Ben would never forget that. Don't forget me? Anything Alex could say would be insulting. So he doesn't say anything. Just laces his fingers with Ben's over his heart and doesn't cry, doesn't cry, doesn't cry.]
Spam
[But there is something else. He has to remember that fact. There is somewhere for him to be, somewhere he belongs. Isn't that what he's always wanted, to belong somewhere, belong to someone, the way he and Ben belong to each other?]
[His throat is thick with tears. He swallows them and watches Ben's hand tentatively, keeping very still as though being approached by a wild animal. Long, strong fingers move in the air as though measuring something vital - and then land on his chest.]
[Alex flushes, his heart stuttering slightly as he remembers the last time - better not to think about it, but he can't not - as he does what he probably shouldn't and lays his hand over Ben's, pulling him closer. He remembers being reassured, over and over again, in that other place, the calming touch and the taste of tears on the back of his tongue. It's too similar, but it's a hundred years different.]
[You are good, Alex. You are so good.]
[It is so good to be trusted. To be loved. To have family like this, even if it hurts when you aren't by their side. No, it doesn't hurt any less, but it feels good at the same time as it hurts.]
[Alex bows his head, no longer quite able to meet Ben's eyes, and swallows.]
Don't forget-- [What? All they've been through? All they've done, how they've grown? The way it feels to be alone and frightened and at someone else's mercy, because Ben would never forget that. Don't forget me? Anything Alex could say would be insulting. So he doesn't say anything. Just laces his fingers with Ben's over his heart and doesn't cry, doesn't cry, doesn't cry.]