[He's not letting go. Ben isn't letting go, it's serious, Ben doesn't like touch, he'd be moving away if this wasn't serious. If he wasn't scared.]
[Even in the midst of everything, Alex feels fierce pride in his friend, bright and burning in the center of his heart. He would never have spoken like this even months ago, would never have been so assertive, would never have demanded anything. Alex remembers the first time Ben did demand something of him, told him to stop, to behave responsibly. That he could do. But this - this is asking so much.]
[He doesn't know if he's punishing himself. He probably is - he does that, he knows, and he remembers like a distant dream what Ben is speaking of now, the words of someone who used to be him and still halfway is. It's punishment. This, maybe, is redemption.]
[His shoulders tremble. He loves this boy like family, like a brother, wishes he could do more and be better for him, but this is all he is: broken and sad, small and weak.]
I miss them.
[I miss them; he misses everyone who's gone and left him. He misses Angel, though he's angry with her. Misses Haley, whom he left, even though he didn't meant to. And he's terrified that he's going to have to miss Erik again soon. That he'll leave and everything will go back to how it was. They won't be family.]
[His family is falling apart.]
[He laughs like he's drowning, a choked and liquid laugh, and doesn't let go of Ben's hand in case he falls away.]
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[Even in the midst of everything, Alex feels fierce pride in his friend, bright and burning in the center of his heart. He would never have spoken like this even months ago, would never have been so assertive, would never have demanded anything. Alex remembers the first time Ben did demand something of him, told him to stop, to behave responsibly. That he could do. But this - this is asking so much.]
[He doesn't know if he's punishing himself. He probably is - he does that, he knows, and he remembers like a distant dream what Ben is speaking of now, the words of someone who used to be him and still halfway is. It's punishment. This, maybe, is redemption.]
[His shoulders tremble. He loves this boy like family, like a brother, wishes he could do more and be better for him, but this is all he is: broken and sad, small and weak.]
I miss them.
[I miss them; he misses everyone who's gone and left him. He misses Angel, though he's angry with her. Misses Haley, whom he left, even though he didn't meant to. And he's terrified that he's going to have to miss Erik again soon. That he'll leave and everything will go back to how it was. They won't be family.]
[His family is falling apart.]
[He laughs like he's drowning, a choked and liquid laugh, and doesn't let go of Ben's hand in case he falls away.]
I miss them all so much, I don't . . .