[He knows that's not good enough. He knows. And it wrenches at him, makes him want to just run away from all of this and go hide in the CTS until port, bury himself in training other people until he can't think anymore, until he's too tired to sleep.]
[But Ben said when you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. So he's trying.]
[He feels like he needs to break down every part of himself and put it back together better to fix this for Ben. Every part of himself and every part of everyone else. People should listen to him. He deserves it as much as anybody else does - more, because he hasn't had it in so long, he hasn't had it ever.]
[It's not fair. Alex feels more like a child every time he thinks this, which he thinks more and more often recently: it's not fair, and he wants to rail against something he's never seen or known, wants to pound his fists against some invisible monster and just scream it's not fair, how could you do this to him?]
[He takes a deep, shuddering breath.]
You're not broken, Ben.
[Jesus, he'd pull this ship over in a second and let Ben be free for just a few minutes if he possibly could. He'd do it in a heartbeat.]
If I could find a way to - to keep things quiet, for a little while - would that help? I don't know -
[And it's like he's coming apart at the seams now, pushing the heel of his hand to his temple - he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do. He's failing.]
[ Spam ]
[He knows that's not good enough. He knows. And it wrenches at him, makes him want to just run away from all of this and go hide in the CTS until port, bury himself in training other people until he can't think anymore, until he's too tired to sleep.]
[But Ben said when you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else. So he's trying.]
[He feels like he needs to break down every part of himself and put it back together better to fix this for Ben. Every part of himself and every part of everyone else. People should listen to him. He deserves it as much as anybody else does - more, because he hasn't had it in so long, he hasn't had it ever.]
[It's not fair. Alex feels more like a child every time he thinks this, which he thinks more and more often recently: it's not fair, and he wants to rail against something he's never seen or known, wants to pound his fists against some invisible monster and just scream it's not fair, how could you do this to him?]
[He takes a deep, shuddering breath.]
You're not broken, Ben.
[Jesus, he'd pull this ship over in a second and let Ben be free for just a few minutes if he possibly could. He'd do it in a heartbeat.]
If I could find a way to - to keep things quiet, for a little while - would that help? I don't know -
[And it's like he's coming apart at the seams now, pushing the heel of his hand to his temple - he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do. He's failing.]